


One Off

by kyuutier, wolfpaw



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-05 12:21:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyuutier/pseuds/kyuutier, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfpaw/pseuds/wolfpaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyuu writes multiple unrelated rp-starter-type one-shots. Multiple themes and pairings and universes. I'll update the tags as I add chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whine Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and John get close on the dancefloor, Dirk and Dave watch with polar attitudes.

In the corner of his eye, he could see his brother's fist tightening around the glass in his hand. He was waiting for it to shatter, send a mix of cold, fruity, pink and violet slushy alcoholic drink and glass to the floor at their feet. He grinned softly and leaned back against the bar, elbows propped up on the slick counter.

"Pretty wild streak, don'tcha think?"

"Shut the fuck up, Dave."

With a smug smirk he turned back to observe the show that his best friend and his brother's love interest were inadvertently putting on for them a few feet away on the crowded dancefloor. John was pressed flush against Jake, back to the slightly taller man's chest, one hand twisted in the islander's messy dark locks and the other covering the hand on his hip. Cheeks flushed with too many jello shots, head tipped back against his partner's shoulder, lips slightly parted and bitten red and glossy - it was a terribly distracting habit of John's, he bit his lip like a sex-starved playboy mag centerfold. Kat Deluna whined in the background, providing a fast and firm beat for the two to grind to.

Dave licked his lips slowly, predatory stare confined behind his trusty aviators and swallowed his desire with another shot of jack.

He watched as Jake's mouth moved in sloppy half-hickeys down the column of John's throat, mouthing the latin lyrics against fair skin in between wet open-mouthed kisses and barely-rough-enough bites. The whine that was torn from John after a particularly vigorous thrust was not audible over the pounding of the bass, but Dave watched his body tense, the arc of his spine and bob of his adam's apple signaled his desire clearly. Jake practically had his hands down the front of John's shorts at this point, and it didn't look like they were planning on slowing down - crowd be damned.

He reached for his remaining shot just as he heard his brother's glass crack and as expected, the man was gone when he glanced over. He ran his tongue over his teeth, sparing the dancing couple one last hungry look before he pushed himself off the bar, flash-stepping around the crowd to find the elder Strider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously random as fuck windicuffs(?!) inspired at 2 in the morning by Kat Deluna's Whine Up.
> 
> for my precious moirail bby ilu


	2. LOWSTAKeS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Dirk explore LOMAX. Every good temple adventure in the movies involves snakes, why would this one be any different?

No. This had to be where he drew the line. He'd dealt with the mummies, the pit-fall traps, spikes flying out of the goddamned wall, and that ridiculously massive boulder. There had to be a line, had to be fucking boundaries, had to be some kind of limit to the amount of bullshit he could be forced to put up with in pursuit of that fine English ass. He pushed his shades back up on his sweaty face, his lips creasing into a thin, displeasured line. At this rate, fine English ass wasn't looking like it was a part of his foreseeable future.

And the Jake that that English ass was attached to was watching him expectantly, standing on the lip of a deep pit filled with all sorts of hissing, snapping, deadly albino pit vipers. Maybe they weren't deadly pit vipers. Or hissing, or snapping. Yet. Dirk didn't want them near him in any case. In the center of the expansive hole, a pedestal sat with a temptingly glittery ruby snake surrounded by a large grist cache - never mind that rubies never came that big, or shaped like snakes, and they wouldn't be able to use 90% of the grist. Logic and sensibility meant absolutely nothing when presented to Jake English.

But he could try. "I really don't see the point of going through all the trouble to get something we can't possibly use." He stretched casually, arms over his head, back arching as his spine popped, trying not to look as absolutely horrified at the prospect of snakes writhing all over his extremities as he really was. He thought he pulled off uncaring douche pretty well.

"Oh, come now Strider! We're almost at the end already, no sense in turning tail and backing out now! The prize is nearly in our grasp!" He was infuriatingly optimistic and determined, already searching the space around them for something they could use to bridge the gap.

Dirk stifled a groan and thew another contemptuous glare into the pit of snakes. He was glad the heat and humidity provided an excuse for his sweating palms and the way his wife beater clung to his back, and that was just standing up here, in the clear. He tried to imagine crossing over, or worse - crossing through, and his mind blanked. He backtracked, trying to come up with a good excuse to leave Jake to this dangerous stunt and abscond back to their campsite. 'I have to piss' was the only thing that kept flashing through his head, and that was as good as no excuse at all, considering all the respect Jake had for the temple ruins. Which was none. Jake drank a lot of water and marked the temples dotting his land like a dog expanding territory.

So he stood there, tense and tight-lipped, locked in place as he stared into the depths of the personal hell he'd have to cross without so much a whimper to alert Jake to this deep-rooted (and humiliating) debilitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jakedirky thing i wrote for my friend a while ago, dirk has ophidiophobia, phobia of snakes.
> 
> idk what i was planning with this.
> 
> smut i think. probably smut.


	3. Suckers

On the list of things John Egbert was prepared for as he stepped out of his father's car onto the campus of his new school in New York, the sheer level of activity was not high up there. He was reminded of the time when he was six and he'd kicked over an anthill in the backyard, people were rushing around him carrying various marked boxes and colorful bags, pillows and carpets, towels and even once a fishtank. There seemed no end to it. With the seniors already settled in two weeks ago and the juniors a week after them, these had to be the returning sophomores and his fellow freshmen.

Eager to be a part of the rush, he squeezed his introduction package to his side and leaned back inside the car to give his father a brief hug and a promise to call later, before making his way to the trunk and collecting his luggage. He'd already been informed that he was moving in with a sophomore and thus his room would likely be furnished, as it was going to be the same room that the student he was moving in with had already had last year. With that in mind he'd made sure to pack light, one duffel bag full of clothes and the other carrying his new laptop and most of his collection of movies, video games, and carefully rolled up posters.

After hefting both bags onto his shoulders, he peered down at his map of the campus dorms once more. Building four, floor one, room three... He grinned and waved one more time at his dad, a final farewell before he joined the stream of busy new students.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was gonna be a john/karkat roleplay set in the same universe and taking place before/after the events of my other fic, Suckers, but my partner never responded and it fizzled and died. Oh well.
> 
> Not tagging relationships because pff unknown college roomie could literally be anyone.


	4. Hope and Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jake just turned 17, no sburb au.

It had been a long and rather disappointing birthday, to say the least.

For Jake, daily excursions into the jungle to tangle with the local fauna were a necessary fact of life. He had long since mapped and explored almost every inch of his comparitively small island. When boredom set in, as it sometimes did, he could be driven to rather drastic measures to allieviate it. But rock climbing had lost it's allure, there were too many sharks in the water for diving, and some of his favorite wrestling partners were hibernation for what passed for winter on his tropical island.

Luckily, there was still something he'd been saving for an occasion just like this. There was a certain cave, deep in the volcano, that his grandma sometimes disappeared into for days. He'd always been firmly chastised not to wander off in there and that rule had been hard to break, even without his grandma there to enforce it. There had always been some more pressing adventure to tend to but now...

But it was his 17th birthday and by God's great bushy whiskers, he was going in there. Expecting some grand mysterious labrynth of catacombs, he was rather disappointed to find out it was only a short walk up to a bolted door that, once dismantled, hid only a small, rather unremarkable room. Squashing the disappointment he'd felt, he'd begun to search, hoping to perhaps at least salvage some memento of his grandma to bring home and put in his room. Unfortunately the room contained nothing so special. At least, not in that way. The only thing he found worth mentioning was a strange transporter pad of the same make and model as his materializer hooked up to a small box that was obviously homemade. The box was only about as big as a pillow. From what he could tell, he was allowed to input dates and what appeared to be a set of coordinates. After screwing around with it for a while he finally turned it on, the box lit up. From what he could tell, the coordinates were set to somewhere quite far away from his island. The date... It took a minute, but he finally recognized it as the day his grandma had gone missing for the last time.

He didn't know what to make of it all. He shut it off again and unplugged it from the pad, deciding to take it home and ask his 'residental' technology expert what to do with it. If Strider didn't know, he could always figure it out by trial and error. Hopefully not fatal error. He waited until he was back at home and getting ready for bed before he opened his Pesterchum account.

"Should be awake by now..." He mumbled to himself, chewing his toothbush absently as he clicked on Strider's handle.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:24 --

GT: Strider my good man.  
GT: I found something quite interesting while i was out today and i was wondering if you could lend me a bit of your technological expertise in figuring out exactly what it is.

-

There was one section of code that he just couldn't seem to get right and it was driving him near mad. He deleted a line and started on it again with an exasperated groan.

Dirk had been working on said code for his latest project all day now. He had started the day with messaging Jake to wish him a happy birthday on his mind, but it had quickly slipped away from him as he lost himself in the work. He wasn't one to give up on something until it was literally perfect and this was no exception.

A few hours passed before he had to delete an entire section of code instead of just a line and the blond boy leaned back in his chair, covering his face in disgust.

At this moment his phone pinged, alerting him that someone was pestering him. He was tempted to just leave it and get back to work, but something told him it's highly likely the one time he ignored a pester it would be something important.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and when he saw the green text, the mental reminder he'd "installed" decided to go off, obnoxiously reminding him of the other boy's birthday and that he'd forgotten it.

TT: Hey, Jake.  
TT: First: let me wish you a very happy birthday,  
TT: So I can shut down this damn blaring in my head.  
TT: Second: What is this thing you need my spectacular assistance with?  
GT: I was just wondering if youd gone and forgotten about me!  
GT: Better late than never though thank you for the birthday wishes.  
GT: I cant say it was the best ive had but as far as everything goes it certainly wasnt the worst either.  
GT: Anyways to get to the point of this whole rigmarole!  
GT: I found something i think belonged to my grandmother and i cant quite figure out what to do with it.  
GT: I was hoping youd be able to pick it apart.  
GT: Is your camera working?

Jake leaned back from his desktop and stretched, working out a kink in his spine. Everything seemed to be becoming so routine lately, pushing himself past the brink of exhaustion was lately the only relief he had, the only way to feel the old rush of adrenaline he was used to. He grimaced as he stood up again, rubbing the back of his neck as he headed to his dresser. He was used to sleeping in the nude after so long being alone, but he figured it’d be best to be at least somewhat clothed if he was going to be on camera.

He chuckled softly as he thought about it, slipping on a pair of boxers. Technically, his video chats with his friends were really the closest thing he ever got to dates and hang-outs. He wondered if he ought to start dressing up for the rare occasions.

TT: Yeah, of course.  
TT: I can do that for you.  
TT: Just give me a second to clean up this mess I've got going on here.

Dirk bolted up from the chair at his desk and moved the few scattered pieces of torn apart electronics from in front of his screen to the bed. Most of them were about ready for the scrap pile anyway, so they were tossed without much grace in his rush. The next couple of minutes were devoted to checking his reflection in a mirror, making sure his hair was styled just right and his shades had neither smear nor smudge on them.

Plopping back into his chair, he saved the code he was working on and closed out of the application before pulling up pesterchum and logging in from the desktop.

TT: Okay.  
TT: I'm ready now.  
TT: Are you ready?  
GT: Just waiting on you.

\-- golgothasTerror [GT] began a video chat with timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:36 --

Jake waited patiently for the signal to connect, smiling lightly when his best friend's fuzzy image filled the screen. He'd already fetched his mystery contraption and set it in front of him while he waited for Dirk to make himself decent, and he drummed his fingers on its metal casing as he waited. The video settled after a moment, bringing Dirk and his room into clarity. Strider looked as impecable as ever, not a strand of hair out of place and his (ridiculous) shades practically gleaming in the low light.

He gave a slightly self-concious squirm, feeling rather tawdry by comparison. He'd just gotten out of the shower and he was sure his hair was sticking up at strange angles, as it always did. Luckily he'd left his own glasses in his bathroom, since he didn't need them to walk around his house at night anymore. 'Stop,' he chastised himself. 'Why would he care about any of that, you’re being stupid.'

"Hullo, Strider. You're looking well."

Dirk kept his eyes fixed on the screen as the dark haired boy came into view and allowed himself a few seconds to look him over. Jake was as attractive as ever, if not more so than usual. He knew it was likely just because the other boy was shirtless, but he wasn't going to argue with the thoughts.

He straightened his shirt and leaned forward a little, nodding once at the camera.

"English. I can say the same for you."

He allowed a small smirk to find it's way onto his face as he tilted his head to the side a bit and watched the screen.

"So, what's this thing you wanted me to look at?"

"Ah yes, it's just here." Jake moved his hands and leaned back in his chair, lifting the device into the center of the camera's view. He turned it completely around once, slowly for Dirk's benefit, before setting it down again.

"Today I went back to the volcano, that one room my grandmother's I may have mentioned? Nothing like what I was hoping for, just this. It was connected to a transport pad. There were no papers or anything explaining what its purpose might be. Outwardly it's rather unremarkable except for the fact that it seems cobbled together from parts of other things." His fingers brushed over a set of rivets on the side after turning it to face the camera. "See, these don't match. I think my grandmother made it herself."

He turned it around again, glancing up briefly at the screen and smiling at the look on Dirk's face. He knew it would be a good idea to ask him. He looked down again, suddenly a little flustered. "Anyways... It gets more interesting when you... turn it on, uh, just a minute..." He stood up and left his computer desk, searching for an extension cord to plug into the machine.

Dirk watched as Jake turned the machine around for him to look over with interest written plain on his face. He spaced out a little as he thought over what it's function might be. He still wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but the mention of it being hooked up to a transportation pad caught his attention and he perked up a bit.

He hmm'd a bit to let him know he was paying attention and leaned closer to get a better look when Jake turned the device to show him places where it looked like parts didn't quite match. It looked like a pieced together monster but Dr Frankenstein was just Grammy English and the machine was indeed not alive.

When Jake left his desk, Dirk sat back and waited patiently. Until he got impatient a few minutes later, as he is prone to do, and started drumming his fingers on the desk.

"Jake? You still there? You're taking a long time."

Just after he asked Jake came stumbling back onto the scene, a bright orange cord firmly in his grasp.

"Yes, sorry Strider. The damn vines were giving me a bit of trouble again, I really need to figure out how to get them under control. I'm afraid they're eating a little more of my house every day, soon I'll be living in a giant pumpkin." Despite his complaining, his tone was good-natured as he fidgeted with the machine on his desk, finally finding the plug again and turning it on.

The numbers glowed red in his dimly-lit bedroom and he faced them to the camera so Dirk could see them. "A date and a set of coordinates. The coordinates aren't mine, but I couldn't tell you much else beyond that!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell yes we went all sorts of cliche with this bitch. i'm jake, wolfpaw(<3) is dirk.
> 
> this chapter will get updated every once and a while as the rp progresses so yeah. when we're done i guess i'll take it out of here and give it it's own fic so don't worry if you don't wanna keep coming back here and checking to see if there's new stuff.
> 
> also maybe one day i'll stop being hells of dumb and figure out how to format pesterlogs. sorry.


	5. That's One Way To Do It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John/Dave and Jake/Dirk based on 10 Things I Hate About You, which in turn is based on The Taming of the Shrew.
> 
> John likes a girl, Jake won't hook up, Dave offers his Bro as shark bait.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:13 --

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum!

EB: hey man are you here?  
EB: jake's all busted up so i can't come over but if you still wanna hang out you can come over here.  
EB: actually come over anyways, there's kinda something i've been meaning to talk to you about...  
EB: it's a face to face kind of talk.

John pushed away from the computer and cell phone, its screen filled with dark green text, turning back to the cousin sitting on his bed and currently bleeding all over his favorite shirt. "So you just jumped him? Who even does that, you're gonna end up arrested and I hope you don't think I'll bail you out because I totally won't."

Jake, with a shirt held up to his face to stem the flow of blood from his mouth and split lip and hopefully not broken nose, couldn't exactly answer, but the exuberant roll of his eyes spoke plenty. John held up a hand as though to shoosh him, shaking his head mournfully as he slid his arm around Jake's waist to help him up and support him as they limped to the bathroom.

"I just hope Dave gets here soon." He grumbled as he wrapped Jake's ankle with an ace bandage. "I end up covered in _his_ blood only like _half_ the times we hang out."

-

Dave stared a little blankly at the way his brother seemed to casually saunter into the living room, specks of blood mottled across his usually clean, white polo. Seeing blood on Bro Strider was a pretty regular occurance given the frequency of their weekly strife sessions, but what was different about this time was that it wasn't his blood this time. 

Bro stopped walking, eyeing his sibling.

"What're you staring at?"

Dave motioned towards the red spatters on his shirt.

"What'd you do this time, rob a bank or some shit?"

"No, some punk was clamoring too hard for a look at my boxers."

"You mean like one of those crazy groupies at the club or something."

"Who knows? It's not like I take precautions against this kind of stuff."

Dave shrugged. It was true; his brother was more than capable of protecting himself (he knew from experience)-- in fact, he kinda felt a little sorry for whatever dude, dudette, or otherwise gendered person who managed to get in between Bro Strider and his destination. Probably wasn't a pretty sight to behold.

Bro was already walking towards the bathroom, pulling his shirt off with the intention of showering. 

"Yo, wait. Aren't you gonna call the cops or something?"

"Nah. Kid got enough of a beating. It was sort of cute in a pathetic way."

Figures. Dave stretched, yawning, and turned off the TV (which he was wholly ignoring anyway) and tossed his juicebox in the trash bin next to his desk. He lowered his shades slightly, peering at the blinking pesterchum window and clicked the icon.

Unread messages from John?

Oh, right. Damn. He'd been waiting for John to come on over for the last few hours and didn't exactly remember to check his IMs for any updates. Fuck. He ran his hand backwards through his hair, plopping down a his desk to type out a reply.

TG: way to ditch out on me for your weird cousin with the garish accent  
TG: one of these days youre going to catch the douche from him  
TG: dont say i didnt warn you because i just did  
TG: youll be laying in bed dreaming about caressing tom hiddlestons finely shaped jawline or something equally disturbing and then itll get you  
TG: BAM  
TG: suddenly youre a douche  
TG: but yeah ok  
TG: ill be over there in twenty

Big sighs all around. No matter how often he'd get his hopes up, John had a way of disappointing him in ways that he probably should've come to expect by now. After all, he was "not a homosexual". Verbatim. So it was said. Whatever this talk was gonna be about, Dave could wager twenty bucks and a 50% off pizza coupon on it being something completely mundane and not relevant to him whatsoever. Probably something about how Morgan Freeman wasn't meant to host a science show no matter how dulcet his voice was. _He's an actor, for crying out loud. He should be ACTING._

He exited his room, pulling the door shut as he yelled towards the bathroom.

"Hey Bro, I'm gonna go over to John's. Said he couldn't make it because of some kind of debacle with his cous."

No reply. Probably couldn't over the sound of his legendary and infinite showers. So Dave pulled on a jacket, grabbed his keys and some cash for the bus fare, and took the elevator down to the first floor. Ten minutes on the bus and ten more walking brought him to the Egbert household.

He knocked on the door and stepped back.

-

It took a minute before John was able to get to the door from his bedroom on the second floor, even with his impressive running leap off the stairs from the lower landing and following skid across the hardwood floor, his sudden stop proclaimed by the loud ‘thunk’ his body made against the front door. Said door was subsequently thrown open to reveal the young Egbert standing in the doorway, slightly out of breath and rubbing his elbow where he’d smacked it into the doorknob. His hair was still sticking up on one side from his rude awakening that morning and his shirt and shorts were liberally speckled with his cousin’s blood. He’d been in the process of grabbing a change of clothes when he'd heard the knock at the door.

Despite his disheveled appearance, he grinned and lit up as soon as he saw Dave on his doorstep.

“Hey. Sorry about not making it! Jake just came in this morning and woke me up drooling bloody slobber all over the place I seriously thought he was like hemorrhaging or something and I…” He paused for a breath, moving out of the way so Dave could come in. “Anyways he’s fine, already bragging about the tooth he lost. By the way, if I’m daydreaming about _anyone’s_ jaw line it’s gonna be Chris Evans‘. Did you see him in the second Avenger's movie, oh my god you could cut diamonds with his face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm john, she's dave, oh my god she is way too good for me. same deal as the last chapter, as soon as we finish i'll give it it's own fic.
> 
> title is definitely a wip.


End file.
